My immigrant family spent Australia day watching a DVDs from blockbuster every year. My brother and I knew the words to school of rock off by heart but we’d always pick to watch it. We didn’t really associate it with anything other than a day off. I wait for my students to get back to me before the term starts and I go to the beach and it normally gives a lot but I needed more healing this time.
My guitar case came back bruised and broken from my last trip just like my heart. The manager made me feel cheap and tacky, powerless and submissive. I never really felt accepted by my family for my fashion. I was never girly enough or traditionally feminine, so when he said “wear long linen dresses” I said “are we in the 1940s?” My grandma always had short hair and was a progressive Sagittarius and I feel like i inherited some of that. I thought “for a gay man you’re not very progressive about gender expression!”
One of the female managers comes to bully me to tell me the guests are complaining and to make it more like background music, which is a set up. I walk off the stage crying and she acts like she is the victim. My masseuse says “its not a weakness to cry in front of a piece of shit – its a strength.” You need to tell her “this is my heart.” As i walk off the stage a little boy says “do you play on a real stage?” And he says “you know like Taylor Swift” which really means i deserve a better stage. A lot of men are mad I wont bend over for them, even the gay ones.
Fake spirituality, soccer mums that cant drive, high end cars disguised as capitalism, guys that drives utes and women in floral dresses, I know i am back at the Sunshine Coast. I’ve missed my life here even though it feels like I was in a bad dream and I’ve woken up. I went out with a guy who brought his dog on our date and he said “are you upset?” And I thought “I should be the main bitch in your life.” After watching my friend go on countless bad dates in her early 30s, it is my karma to now experience this. I can see why people settle and I text my dad “you’ll be happy to know I have made crepes on my own” and just like my love life, he’s not impressed.
I tell the Asian woman at the bubble tea shop I’m worried I’m gonna die alone and she says “what about a tradie? This place is full of tradies.” I laugh cause I love that when I tell people my emotions in Queensland, they try to help me fix my love life with practical help. In Queensland, love isn’t impossible its practical. In Melbourne, love was deep and yearning and unattainable like the land.
And now after finishing my degree, I thought id feel complete but somehow I am completely back at square 1. Lost and alone but not forgotten. Never forgotten. The guy I sexted last night says “wow I haven’t felt that with anyone for 41 years” and I said “i guess you could say that I am your sexual awakening. I have that effect on men.” I tell him how I can level up men but they don’t level me up so id prefer to stay single until one does. I said “tell me I’m the best you’ve ever had” cause that’s all a fire venus wants to hear and the validation my ex refused to give me when he knew it was true and its refreshing to be with someone older when 27 year old guys are emotionally retarded.
He used to play me ocean by John butler but never finished it cause he had Adhd. The last time we talked i said “when you left, it felt like someone ripped my heart out and threw it over a river” and he said “I didn’t mean to dip out completely.” When he left Melbourne, he said “its not over okay?” but it seems like it was cause I waited and waited and he never came back for me. A girl at vacation care says “my mums leaving for a few days” and I said “will she come back?” cause my anxious attachment has followed me my whole life with having an inconsistent parent. And then i think, when we do meet the love of our life and they stay, they just die in the end anyway. Nothing lasts forever I guess. He was the David to my Phoebe – the love never died but he chose himself, when all she ever wanted was for him to choose her.
I book my accommodation in Poland cause I feel a pull with my Slavic heritage to be there and maybe meet my polish husband. Although I’m not holding out anymore. My guitar finally feels ripe to play and I’ve been avoiding it all month after he told me no one wanted to hear my voice.
I think about how I paddled out to the middle of the ocean in a red kayak in December and the French guy goes in the tinny to pick me up he said “where are you going?” and I said “I’m trying to leave the island.” I said “they hurt my heart space” and he said “I know.” I said “but you’re nice” and smile. I said “so you have to rescue me?” And he said “you have two options- you can get in the boat with me or I can motor you back” and I said “I’ll stay in the kayak.”
When we get back to shore, I said “I meditated out there.” I think he’s curious as to why I’m such a rule breaker and maybe it’s cause he is one too. The day I leave my boat gets delayed, and I’m anxious I’ll miss the flight. I see him coming off the boat and he says “you’re leaving your bestie” and I say “it’s ok she has her boyfriend” and we do a long hug. I cry on the boat knowing the universe delayed me so I could have a long hug with a French Aries man. The next two months are more struggles with men who don’t want to hear me and I wonder when I should dye my hair red and if someone is gonna rescue me again or if I’ll have to do it myself.
