Pisces Season

The woman at the car rental tries to upsell me 3 times but I’m not falling for it.

“Someone hit a kangaroo last week so if you get full insurance you won’t have to worry.” I forgot that I had to worry about kangaroos being a liability in Australia. I take my chances. Before she give me the keys she says “no smoking and no pets” and I said “I don’t smoke and I don’t have pets” and she said “well you’re perfect then.” I like to think so.

The car I’m driving is an automatic that’s pretending to be a manual, which is like a dildo that’s pretending to be a dick. It wants to be real but it’s not. Once I get through the Gold Coast traffic, The stretch of greenery that opens out into Byron is one of my favourite parts of Australia. The last time I did this drive to Sydney I was 22 and dealing with a manchild but most musician men are. He probably couldn’t even recognised me cause I’ve transformed so much in the last 8 years.

When I get to Byron, I tell the receptionist about my car lights randomly turning on and when I give him my name, he says “all the best people have M names.” His name is Marcus and he’s English. And I said “they do.” People in my hostel talk about the esoteric, someone plays bad guitar and I take a night swim cause I don’t care what the crowd is doing. A French guy tries to swim with me but I reject him cause I’ve finally kicked my French habit after the 3rd French guy. It’s all talk.

A Spanish girl I talk to says “I don’t know how I wound up in Australia” and I thought “a lot of people feel that way about being here.” My hostel is like an ashram cause I wake up in the woods surrounded by trees and hippies. I do 9am yoga and tell the instructor about my book. “Realest bitch out?! I’ll get it,” she says. “Love that fire.”

I ask Marcus to help me with the car and he reads the manual and says “Hope you get to coffs…if you get to Coffs harbour” and I said “fuck up” cause I hate when men tell me I can’t. My hostel in Coffs harbour is meant to be rapey but I end up making friends with the so called rapey men. One of the bogan guys has a shirt with “undefeatable” on the back. He tells me his kid was trying to harm his ex with a machete and that he’s 13 and addicted to weed and I think “man I have first world problems.” I go for a swim in the beautiful beach that’s similar to the Sunshine Coast but the waves are bigger and more potent.

My gig randomly gets cancelled because of low numbers and she won’t compensate me anything on the tour and says “we are a community space”, I said “well I’m an independent artist and if you are dealing with musicians and money you are a business. And businesses incur losses! And if we are gonna talk money I spent 500 dollars on a hire car to be here.” I spend the day wallowing until I get souvlaki and the guy tells me I can order the bogan special. I tell him I thought he was calling me a bogan and we both laugh. They really embrace bogans in NSW.

The next day, the bogan guy says “it’s hot today” and I said “what’s the temperature?” And he said “fucking hot.” I give him a CD for caring when I needed it and tell him I’m going to Frederickson next. He said “you should go to the pie shop – freddo pies.” I say “Freddooo..” and walk out. I get a bit sad I’m leaving them and drive around til I’m back on the highway.

I stop into Bellingen and meet a woman who upsells me a pair of shoes but I go back cause they weren’t the ones I wanted. At the end, I asked her if she had any kids and she said “I’m not that kind of girl” and I said “I am that kind of girl but it hasn’t happened for me yet.” And she said “that’s what happened to me, I waited to long and it didn’t happen.” And I said “I hope that doesn’t happen to me” cause ripping people off at a shoe shop is not my idea of a good life.

Before I left on this trip, I met a woman who i bought a bookshelf from. I told her about my fears of my dad being sick and that I was thinking of moving to Europe and she said “When my parents got sick, I moved back to England for 20 years. And I didn’t regret it cause it just felt like where I was supposed to be. Follow your heart.” And I thought “I always do.”

In Port Macquaire, a homeless guy says “want to see a magic trick?” And I give him some money cause he’s the first homeless person I’ve seen working for his money. A guy at my show says “what is it even worth it travelling here with the hire car?” And I said “No but I do it for my art.” He flirts with me a bit more and says “you have the looks and the talent.” And I say “I don’t want to be a dumb pretty girl.” He says my book is erotica and I’m like “I wouldn’t call it that but okay.” I stay with my friends mum who I’ve known since primary school and we have similar experiences with our family karma. I tell her she closed out a cycle and she said “really?’ I’m like “yeah you got to find out who your mother in law was before she died. The cycle closed.”

She tells me when 9 11 happened she was at my house for some reason. ‘”Your dad said “serves them right.”’ And he explained to her how Serbia was bombed by Nato the year before. I want to cry because my country falling apart will always be one of those traumas I relive and my dads patriotism will be one of those things I always remember. She said “Australian men don’t talk – but your dad will talk to anyone! And I was like “who is this man?” And I said “yeah he’s a Gemini” cause my dad and I always had a twin flame relationship cause we were the same. He called me last week saying “I need you to call me every day to make sure I’m not dying” and my best friend said “that is so your dad.” I think I can finally forgive him for dipping out every time I was a child cause he wanted to see his mother.

On the way back, I get a burger and stop into Ballina before I get to Byron. A random guy starts talking to me. He wants to know about tarot but I’ve gotten better at not randomly giving people readings without money. Especially men I felt sorry for. He asks me for a hug and I hesitate and then say “when in Byron.”

When I get to Byron, A guy walks past me with a shift that says “self care is fruitful” and I go to my next hostel but they won’t let me do a night swim. The next day I manifest giving a tarot reading on the beach. She tells me the guy she came to Australia left her and that she left her last boyfriend at the altar and i said “there’s the karma.”

After I make some money, I go to Ben and jerrys and there’s a guy texting on his phone and not doing his job. I said “don’t worry I wont report you” And he said “it’s OK if you do, I don’t make enough from his job.” He’s an Aquarius and I tell him about my tarot reading and he said “I prefer to not know the future” and I said “my brother thinks the same way.” We flirt for a bit until he tells me he’s attracted to unavailable girls. I said “you need to outgrow that” but hes only 23 so what do i expect? I say I’m leaving and then he wants my Instagram. We agree to get tea in the morning before I go but I have a feeling it won’t happen. He texts me after his surf saying he’s watching a lesbian show and I say “can I join you?” And he says “not tonight.” I text my male friend “did I do something wrong?” And he said “no he jerked off” and I laugh. “You offered to watch lesbian porn with him which is every guys fantasy. It’s a him problem” he says and I SO needed the male perspective. In my mind I think “maybe he’s just sensitive.” The next day he tells me his granddad is sick and has to take him to the hospital and I had a premonition he texted me already so I knew it wasn’t happening. His name is also Marcus.

When I tell my boss about it, she says “maybe it’s your husband’s name or middle or last name. The name can keep repeating cause it’s coming in” and I hadn’t even considered a 3rd person. Every guy I’ve met on this trip is a Pisces dominant but I want an Aries.

When we talked last year, I said “we are in a twin flame relationship” and he said “how’s your journey been?” You could not make that shit up. He said “I’m sorry I dipped It just triggered my trauma” and I thought “your heart wasn’t the only one that was broken.” My friend said “it’s funny how we always consider how men feel but they don’t consider us at all.”

Before he left to go to Europe, I gave him an adventurine crystal and now I carry one in my own bag for the next adventure.

When I come home to the Sunshine Coast, I’ve missed having one internet connection, my vibrator and stability. I try to surrender into this feeling cause I know it won’t last long.

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