Our bodies have changed in the last seven years but he still looks the same to me.
And I wonder if he thinks about the time I felt the texture of his arm tattoo. He said “I hope you don’t mind that I’m getting another tattoo” and I said “it’s your body.”
And when we end up with different people will he feel like it was meant to be?
He said “you can’t overanalyse what happened, it happened the way it did” but I know he needed me that day. I know he needed me to love him and care and I gave my heart over and over and got no where.
“Children aren’t in my plan right now..” He says over the phone.
I feel like a fool for holding on for so long but I feel like I’m slowly letting go of the “what ifs.” We would have had the most neurotic children together and probably broken up multiple times. That’s what artists do right? In the name of art.
Did I love him cause he loved me like my father – possesively and intensely like an Aries but nevrr really letting me get close to his heart? The wall penetrating what he really felt inside. Always leaving me for a city, a place but not caring about my part of the journey. Karmically I would have followed him everywhere, which is what my mum did with my dad until she couldn’t do it anymore. He tells me to read the alchemist and I’m triggered by the line that says “women should just wait around for men in the desert.” What about my hopes and fears? Was I worthy of that? Was I worthy of someone who stays?
I think about him sitting across from me on this holiday and how he is not the person I would naturally pick to be with me, but that’s what your twin flame is. They’re not the one you’d expect to pick. I remember the first time we met thinking “I can’t date a guy with a nose piercing!”
Would I meet someone who was willing to give me what I want instead of making it difficult? Why did every year need to feel like my heart was being torn out?
On the phone I say “did you not like my body?” And he said “no why?”
I blamed myself for years that we couldn’t merge, realising I was the only one judging myself for those 5 years. I was alone on the island.
And maybe that’s the problem, that I didn’t feel desired by him. One night he explains the difference between pleasure and desire – “pleasure is when something feels good but desire is wanting that feeling over and over again.” So why didn’t he have that desire for me? Or was he that hedonistic?
I felt like he could never surrender the power to me, he always had to be in control which was the problem with a lot of my exes. And when I look at the mirror, myself too.
He had to rub in that we’d broken up and I’m a bit annoyed I didn’t beat him to it, but I don’t need a relationship that is tit for tat.
Every time I woke up in that Brunswick house, I didn’t feel safe cause I was waiting for it to end and for him to leave. We were in a bubble but I was waiting for it to burst.
My psychic said “you’ve had many lifetimes together and in those lifetimes you had children together and that’s why it hurts now.” I hate him for not appreciating my feminine energy. I see dads playing with their children in the pool, consistently there.
I think about the day I’ll be pregnant and run into him at the airport and we will just look at each other and know.
