It feels like i was the last to find my person. “Where is he?” Charlotte York said “I’ve been dating since I was 15.” My fifteen year old boyfriend was a stoner but we bonded over Arctic Monkeys and being intellectuals. We always disagreed politically and made out after school under a tree until we’d part ways to go home. Sometimes I’d wait around for him when he’d ditch me, he never took me on a date and Id only talk to his dad at the checkout at Coles. I wanted to say “I’m his girlfriend” but I didn’t want to be the one that introduced myself.  Years later, he apologised for being unavailable and blamed his parents divorce and I said “I know.”

It’s still chilly on the Sunshine Coast and my friend comes over and says “I feel like this is the last place you’ll live before you move in with your person.” She is quite psychic so I trust her prediction. At 17, my next boyfriend was also an Aquarius but I was more into his friend than him. He taught me about jazz but also made me insecure that I lost so much body weight I was a stick. “It’s going straight to your thighs” he would say unaware that his words had meaning and reinforcing the toxic habits my mother had raised me to believe. I went to his grade 12 formal in Ipswich against my parents will and realised he was in love with a girl called Taegen, which was the bogan name for Teagan. My parents escorted me out of the formal by calling the police which is the first time I fully went against them and probably the last time, well aware I was being raised by wogs and not Australians. No one spoke in the car and I was driven back in silence. I never liked Ipswich from then on or the name Taegan. Weeks later he refused to give me back my ipod so I felt like my parents were right about him.

My next big love was at 19  – another Aquarius, I never learn. There were two more after him so you gotta be patient with me. This one was different. He was also Serbian and shared my trauma. I met him at my favourite bar Kerbside with a group of friends and he had curly brown hair and was smoking. This later became my type but I felt so desperate for him to see me that I would constantly message him until he realized I existed. I felt like he was the first guy who loved me and we would go into bars and just make out and drink water. One time we got thrown out of a club for grinding on each other in the Valley and we shared a lot of our trauma together. One night he danced with another girl and I walked out, only to have him text me “where are you” half an hour later. I wish I hadn’t replied or said something sassy but I said “at Kerbside.” I got guided to break up with him that night when he arrived fully drunk and nearly got hit by a car. I said “my anxiety cant handle this, we need to break up” and he said “you’re the only woman’s who’s ever loved me.” Years later he used that same emotional manipulation when he said “I can’t believe you stayed with me when I was clearly unstable.”

Two months later, he started ghosting me and then arrived at my party drunk again. He flirted with my best friend and ruined my party that I screamed in the garden saying “get off me we are breaking up” in Serbian. My serbian only comes out when I am really angry. He pleaded with me again to not leave him and even convinced me until my friends gave me an intervention even the one who was doing the cheating. Years later, she ended up betraying me again by marrying a situationship. But she couldn’t break me marrying my sloppy seconds. In fact, I felt sorry for her that she had no self respect to find her own man. When I spoke to this ex years later, he said “I thought you cut her off years ago” cause your twin flames have to tell you the truth even if it hurts you. We never slept together and two years later I unblocked him and messaged him “why didnt we have sex?” because I wanted to lose my virginity to him and not to a guy named Igor in Greece. But were those my intimacy blocks or his? After another 6 months of hanging out, I said “don’t contact me we are bad for each other” and continued to write a sleuth of good songs about it. I moved to Melbourne and forgot about him, but he didn’t forget me when he messaged me 5 years later to tell me I was unforgettable but he knew I wasn’t his anymore. He had no ownership over me cause he never respected my body or the sanctity of our relationship.

When I got back from Greece, I met another Aquarius from a group of friends and this is where my alarm bells were ringing like “not another Aquarius!” But he was quite different, he had a Capricorn moon and was studying to be a doctor. He was quiet and reserved and consistent. He wasn’t a wild artist or alcoholic. Maybe I thought love had to be chaotic. He was the opposite of the last, but I didnt love him. Everyone told me he was a nice guy and why wouldn’t I just settle on a good private school boy? After all, all my Brisbane friends did. At that point, I was questioning my sexuality, whether I wanted to move to Melbourne and my focus was my career. My previous ex had fuelled the beginning of writing and I wasn’t about to quit for anyone. I didnt feel seen by the doctor. He did everything right but he did push me to take birth control and I had a lot of fights with him about what should go into my body. The one time I put the nuvaring in, I ended up at the hospital. He was also controlling and wouldn’t let me break up with him. I said “I will not be your trophy wife!” after I went to his stupid ball.  The sex was vanilla and even though he had a decent cock, he didn’t know what to do with it. I thought “if this is my conservative life then I need out!”

And I did get out when I moved to Melbourne and my love life took a whole new shape of its own. There were two Leo’s who taught me big lessons. The first taught me that I cant fall in love with sadness especially after his dad died and even though he was gorgeous, we had different political beliefs, he made me split the bill and stopped texting me back. I said “is it my fault?” and my mentor said “not unless you killed his dad.” The second Leo was Scottish and gave me HPV. He taught me that I needed to stand up for myself when I let my band kick me out of my own band. I said “what would you have said if you were me?” And he said “yes you’re getting kicked out if you behave that way.” Suddenly if a man was enforcing the law, it didnt matter but when I did it I was persecuted for it. I had a “no fucking” policy for people i worked with but I figured he was going to return to Scotand. That night I found him quite disgusting, and went against all of my instincts which I later used as a theme for my book and a big life lesson. We went back to my room and that was the only night I slept with anyone in that Preston house. I was 24 and that night I discovered I could squirt and started apologising and he said “no its great.” He ended up being a dick and telling me to just get over it and just suck his dick and I said I’d do it under the conditions he listened to my emotions. He didn’t really care about my emotions but after that I wrote the fastest song I’ve ever released and met my second twin flame the year after.

My twin flame was an Aries and he said “what a piece of shit.”  He had a lot of his own wounds and we sat in my car talking about all the people that had hurt us sexually and listening to Bill Withers. “I wanna spend the night with you forever” played out in my car.  It’s kind of cheesy and romantic but we both love it.  We met at Bar Oussou in February 2018. I had just finished an open mic and was beating myself up about it. He sat next to me and I asked him if he was gay that night so I knew he would be my Melbourne boyfriend. He had  bleached blonde hair, glasses, tattoos and was arty. He was my type. And I looked like his type. I had bangs and wore a geometric dress that tied up at the back. We talked all night until he invited me into his house for tea, which I took as code for sex so I said “no but you can make out with me instead.” He said he had never met anyone like me and that he’d never spoken to anyone like me before. He knew I understood his emotions or just depth of emotion.  I of course pushed him away cause he said he was leaving to go to Europe and wanted to do drugs in Berlin. After a few weeks, I couldn’t stop thinking about him and I messaged him that I wrote a poem and he said he wanted to hear it. I said “do you think its possible to love a stranger?” And he texted back “that’s as close to love as I’ve ever felt.”

I know whenever I’m around him, the feelings just come back. The love doesn’t die but our values didn’t align cause he didn’t want children at 25 and at 30 when i called him years later he coldly said “they’re not in my plan right now.” I cried for the rest of that night and proceeding year. When he left Melbourne, it felt like my heart was breaking in two. He had daddy aspects but he didn’t want to be a daddy. At that point in 2018, I didn’t think it was over and I thought God would bring us together. A year later I saw him walking down the street in Brunswick and I had to pull my car over cause I was in shock. He never reached out which he later said was out of fear of his trauma coming up which I thought was a cop out and not the Notebook ending I wanted. No amount of tea, or talks or care could make us procreate. I was alone for the rest of that year and I watched sex and the city and studied birth charts to work out why we weren’t destined to be together.

In the background, there was always a bartender. It wasn’t as an explosive love. It was hidden and I used to flirt with him for a year and half before I finally asked him his name and star sign. It turns out he was Serbian too and he was an Aquarius.  Facepalm. I was already running away at this point and he was chasing me. “I can’t date an Aquarius again!” I said.  He had the most magnetising eyes and I felt like he could see through people’s soul with his Pisces rising. He had a cat and he wore a plaid shirt the night he slept over before I went to europe. He loved me but he could never say it. The night I left to go to Europe, he ghosted me. I knew this was going to happen. He was the one that broke my no dating pact before Europe and I spent the rest of my holiday reminiscing about what went wrong and why he had done this to me after being so intimate. When I came back from the trip, I saw him standing with a darkworker girl on a Tuesday night and he saw me seething with jealousy. All of my relationships with Serbian men were always dramatic and unloyal. But as he said to me “we’d have to be together to break up.” He couldn’t commit to me so he didn’t have to break up with me but I did it for him cause I had boundaries! I continued to go crazy and energetically stalk him for not being accountable that in Sagittarius season of 2019 I finally gave up the sword after I read an angry poem about it on stage. Why wouldn’t he love me? He served me at the bar but I didn’t want it to be him. Every girl at that bar evil eyed me that day. I knew he talked shit about me. He said “I really need a holiday” and I thought “you ruined mine.” We have an awkward conversation where nothing real happens but he gives me a free drink which I think is his pathetic gesture of apologising.

I leave crying and I continue to run into him the following year cause we always psychically followed each other in terms of location. He continues to avoid me until we have the closure in 2024 – he sees me glowing and he cant look away. He didnt expect me that night. He never says hi but he does a double take and so do I. Like the karmic cycle hadn’t even ended. I worked out he was like a reincarnation of my granddad he loved my grandmother but he never felt good enough for her. That’s why he cheated with the ugly old hoe on the 2nd floor. She was easier. But I wasn’t my grandma in this lifetime and I wasn’t gonna tolerate being second best! He knew I challenged him and pushed him but he didn’t want to change. He wanted to smoke outside the same cafe and stay stuck and I wanted to grow. He had mental limitations and he took out his lack of courage onto me, instead of being inspired by it.

At the end of that year, I got with a hot French guy I called Frenchanator that was taking pictures of me obsessively at the show. I wore a red jumpsuit which my friend said meant I could go home with whoever I wanted. He was a blonde Libra who wore suspenders and was smoking a pipe. He liked to correct my French and he didn’t question my drink choice. He walks out of the bar with me and I say “are you seeing anyone?” and he says “not anymore” and makes out with me in the street. SO hot. He starts undoing my jumpsuit in the car and I keep doing it up. He gave me more words of affirmation than any man in my life and went down on me for 5 hours. When he sent me an email the next day, my friend said “he sent you an email? Are you going to marry him?” I loved his Capricorn rising and his possessive Scorpio mars but he couldn’t stay and he was honest about it which made me respect me more. I said “do you think Im attractive?” and he said “you ARE attractive.”

The next morning, I cook breakfast for him and he actually eats it unlike the Aquarius. I love that he says yes and is open to doing things. He says “do you want me to put your stuff in the car?” and I love that he knows what I need without me having to ask. I drop him back to his house cause it’s on the way to my next gig and I cry in the car knowing I’ll never see him again. He starts kissing me and I’m like “that won’t make it better!” I only knew him for 1 day but he loved me better than nearly all of my exes. I continued to sing a song called “unforgettable” about him for a year and a half.

At that time, another guy was following me around when he saw me at a poetry night saying “you’re the astrology girl.” I avoided him cause he reminded me of Aries ex. He said “oh you’re not even that pretty” when I said “I don’t like you” but that didn’t stop him. He did push me with my writing. One day he read a poem about me on stage and everyone thought he liked me except himself, cause if he’s playing hot and cold turn the tap off! The day of my poetry performance, I saw my ex and broke down. He said “you spent 1 year getting over him to now read a poem about him.” I try to ground but I was fully thrown. I looked hot that night in my Shakira dress. He had to make an insulting comment afterwards saying “people can laugh at your Hpv joke cause you’re hot’ and I wish id said “no its cause I’m smart.” I didn’t win that night but I was people’s choice. That night I stupidly went back home with him cause he said something nice about me and I felt like he genuinely liked me. After he ate me out, he started hating on himself which I found disgusting. He texted me “I’m not your future husband” and I cut him off. He later on told me eating me out was better than my friend who he ended up marrying. I guess she was his sloppy seconds too.

He shamed me for buying baby clothes and now he cant have one.  I never saw him after that day and I’m glad, cause we don’t love our karmic relationships – we learn from them. The year after I spent alone healing and helping my friend with her break up. This is where I really learnt I could be a healer and not just heal myself. These countless breakups had to count for something so when girls at after school care ask me if I’ve ever had a boyfriend, I’m like “have I?” Not the ones I’ve wanted.

This relationship started online. He messaged me during Covid and we started to bare the psychological war together and less alone. I came over that night and he said I looked like a feminist vegan. I wore a shirt that said “my favourite position is CEO” which should have been the giveaway when he didn’t like it. He liked a woman in power so he could crush her. I came over that night to help him cut the chord with his ex. I said “I feel like her energy was lingering when you ate me out” and he didn’t have a comeback cause he knew I was right.

“Well its gonna take time..” It always felt like everything took time with him but nothing got done. I helped him cut the chord with his twin flame but at the detriment of our relationship. There were some beautiful moments but mostly hard karmic lessons like learning to clean my house, and getting him to quit smoking which he never did. At the end I said “I feel like I’m dating my father” and he said “I feel like I’m dating my mother” so we knew it was time to hang up the towel. When he said he loved me, I don’t know if he meant it or if he just wanted to manipulate me and now 4 years later, I haven’t fully let anyone in.  I didn’t want to let my heart feel that pain of trying to fix someone again and get no where. He was a bad student but I was the one that chained myself to servitude. I was the real masochist. I gave every part of my heart and vowed to never let a man abuse it again.

Taylor Swift said “I thought I had it right once, twice but I did not, you caught me off my guard I hope I get what I want cause I know what I want..” My dads words linger of “come home you’ll never get married in Australia” when I saw him. I said “give me two years to prove you wrong” and now I’m at the end of that time so I’m wondering if ill get my blessing or a string of lessons and experiences. I wait at the beach looking out knowing there must be something better out there and someone who’s ready who’s light is on.