The day of her funeral I saw a white crow and I knew she had crossed over.
When I didn’t buy the radishes i knew it would happen. And in a way I wanted the suffering to end. Death is the ultimate surrender.

As I crack eggs, I remember the sound and how many times I’ve heard it growing up as a child. The smell of Serbian cooking is wholesome and familiar. My grandparents had a narrow spiral staircase in their house which I always found fascinating. My granddad got too fat to climb it so he stayed on the first floor. The smell of varnish is distinct.

I didn’t get to say I love you to either of my grandmas when they died. “What is wrong with me?’ I say to my best friend.
“You didn’t have to say it, she knows” she texts back. My psychic tells me that a lot of cultures don’t say I love you and that reassures me. They both died at 75 and I said “is that a significant number?” And she said “75 is an age where a lot of people are ready.”
She said “she was really ready to cross over and your spiritual role is to take on the matriach role” and I said “I know. I’ve known since I was a child.”

When I arrive to 1770, “Uptown girl” plays next to the hostel which is my favourite Billy Joel song, men don’t wear shoes here and the German girl in my hostel lived in the same suburb as me at the Sunny coast. She said “you don’t seem surprised.’ And I say “spiritual things happen to me all the time.”
And she said “so it’s nothing?’

I ride around the town on a pink vintage bike that’s pimp.
I cycle to a rainforest and I want to go with the bike and a group of tourists tell me I can’t.
“What if someone steals the bike?’
“You’re in the wrong country for that” he says.
This is what I wanted from this holiday to be completely isolated and here I was on the dirt roads of Australia.
Maja vs wild.
Before I left the lady at the desk said “what road do you wanna go down?” And I said ‘I just want to feel free.”
I scream on the way back and sing to “I say a little prayer.”

I know she wouldn’t want me to be sad about her dying. She didn’t want anyone to feel sad about it.
She was the only family member who apologised for hurting my feelings apart from my dads aunty.
When I channelled her she said “I’m sorry I was cold but you’re doing a good job of being the oldest grandchild.”
She was finally happy with my weight cause she said “you’re the perfect weight don’t change.” I was always too fat or too skinny for my eastern European family.

When someone dies the “last seen” notification is the LAST time they will see it.
I’m disappointed in both of my parents for being emotionally avoidant and it’s probably the reason they got together.

I’m disgusted by people flirting at my hostel and I used to want the hot guy to notice me and now I couldn’t care less.
My twin flame wanted to tell me that when he went to India he had a spiritual awakening and he believed and I said “I learnt the work lesson too.”

I tell the hostel owner I’m reading a book about Brigid a Celtic pagan goddess of poetry and fertility and he says “sounds like my kind of woman.” He picks me up from the side of the road and says “want a lift?” Cause I always get blessings when I’m nice to people.
He has a beautiful female dog called chilli and I love her healing energy but when I see other people trying to take it, I back off cause it reminds me of myself and people trying to drain my light.

I wear a slutty top when I get to Yeppoon and attract the wrong kind of attention cause I’m super slutty when I’m grieving.
There’s an all you can eat Chinese restaurant I’ve been to and I buy a dragons blood oil and a picture of a bath hoping it’ll help me manifest one.

The woman at keppel books me the wrong boat trip to keppel. “You can catch it in 15 minutes” she says.
I get in the car loving the thrill of possibly missing my boat.
This isn’t the first time I’ve kept a whole group waiting.
Keppel looks like I could have died and gone to heaven.
The guy I’ve been texting says “wanna trade nudes?” And I text back “I’m climbing a mountain.”
Before I do the climb I ask a couple how long it will take.
“Half an hour”, the man says
“Nah 15 minutes,” his wife disagrees.
And I said “ah the realist and the optimist.” I listen to the wife cause I’m an optimist.
When I get over the 20 minute mountain climb a family are behind me and the mum yells “Daniel!” Cause her son is doing his own thing and that always used to be me in my family.
I’d love to get naked on this island but I don’t have the balls.

The water is crystal clear. A man keeps staring at me.
I go to the snorkelling hut and the instructor says “you look very colourful’ and I said “I’m a lightworker” and he said “I can smell it.”
He said “what else do you do apart from being a lightworker?”
When I sign the contract to do the tour, he says “no one reads the contract” and I said “well if I wasn’t a musician I would be a lawyer.”

The next day I bring him an orange and say “this is the best orange I’ve ever tasted.”
He half rejects my orange asking if it’s for his college.
Magic happens on this island but clearly not sexual healing.

I speak to a guy who tells me he pursued his partner for 5 years until he finally got her pregnant.
“She was freaking out about the pregnancy and I said it’s OK I got this.”
And I said “so she didn’t want to abort?”
And he said “I would have punched her in the face if she aborted. It’s my child!”
And I said “so you had to prove yourself.”
He said “you’ll meet the right person. I can see you’re looking for it” and I’m annoyed at how easily people can read me.

I do a rap to Kanyes “praise God” which is my dream. The room is kind of amazed and shocked at the same time especially when I switch into the falsetto.

I lie on the beach. When I was 22 people would make fun of my body hair, and at 30 I’m like “love me or leave me alone.”
I said to my psychologist “I’m a hairy wog’ and she laughed cause she knew I owned it.

The seagulls want to attack my food and I smile at the bartender who gave me free drinks last night for complaining that the service was too slow and he smiles back.

I don’t realize how much people talk about the dead until I pay attention. In the showers, a mother asks her daughter “did you wash inside your vagina?” and she says “I did.”
Before I leave, I buy a tea but I don’t enjoy it. The instructor is conveniently on my boat the day I’m about to leave.
I avoid him for refusing my sexual advances. Every time I switch energy, he feels it. He said he didnt care about time but thought he was too old for me. My whole life revolved around divine timing.

When I get off the boat, I realize I need someone to mind my stuff and ask him to do it.
He says “ill listen to your music forever” and realize I have a fan.
I give him a peace sign cause everyone has been giving me emotionally unavailable peace signs this entire trip .
Maybe it’s what I really needed. Peace not confusion.
My friend says “I’m proud of you for not trying to fix him.”

When I get to Agnes water, I tell the girl at the desk I haven’t had a hair dryer for 4 days and she says “fuck the environment” and hands me one. A Gemini guy really wants to help me and I burn my tickets of the ferry in the fire.
“I don’t need it anymore” I say cause fire signs burn when they release.
I convince him to take me away from the hostel and we wind up in the middle of woods. My feet have been cold all of the keppel trip so I get him to hold them.

I let him pleasure me until I’m screaming in the middle of the forest and realize I have become the primal goddess.
I felt like I was being cleansed of all the sexual trauma my ex had inflicted on me.
When fire expands, it burns.
Another word for primal is cardinal and my love language is Aries so it is fucking cardinal.

When he starts getting self conscious,
I said “I have body hair and are you judging me for that?”
And he said “no” and I said “well I’m not judging you for your dick size.”
Because Cancers know when you accept someone, you accept their body unconditionally not with conditions.
He says “why don’t you want to have sex?” And I said “cause when I have sex I get attached and I don’t want to get attached to someone who doesn’t want my baby.”

We work out the orange was really a lemon but does it even matter either way?

I’m sad that my online fuckbuddy in nebraska won’t fall in love with me.
The next day I text him and he says “you were freely naked?” And I said “are you into it?”
I get angry at him for living in Nebraska and he says “maybe you just need someone to listen.”
I texted back “you’re a good listener.”
He said “I love the sound of your voice” and I said “you can use it as your ringtone.”
I said “would you eat ass?” and he says “I would do whatever it takes to make you feel good” and I think I need a “whatever it takes” kind of man.

When I leave the hostel, I say goodbye to the owner. He says he’s not a hugger but I hug him anyway cause he reminds me of my dad. He’s an earth sign, a smoker and a capitalist and we talk about trees and life together. When I hug him I say “open your heart” cause I’m always trying to get people to feel their emotions.
I tell myself I’m doing Gods work and get the guy from last night to walk me to my car. He gives me a sweet kiss and I drive off thinking how strange it is everything has wrapped up so well.

I drive to my friends house in Hervey Bay and meet her baby for the first time. He is on the cusp of Scorpio and Sagittarius which is my favourite cusp. He stares at me with such intensity and curiosity.
I said “I know I’m going to love him so much.” He looks up at me lovingly and she says “he doesn’t respond as well to other people.”
We talk about our grandparents and have solace together. I tell her about feeling slutty during my grieving period and she says “I think you just want connection.”
And I thought “I want to feel alive, not dead” but it doesn’t make the pain go away. Because I didn’t have my family in this country but people like Megan became my family. When I come home I text her “thank you for your loyalty’ and she says “thank you for always being there.”

I released the ring of my other uni friend who betrayed me that I’ve been holding onto for 3 years. I said to a guy at keppel “she didn’t deserve to be left in such a beautiful part of Australia.”
And he said “you left it there cause that’s where you could let go, not her.”
And I said “for someone who says they’re not spiritual you are.”
He says “do you know how rare it is to see a white crow? Most people tell me about these metaphysical things but you have actually have evidence!”
And I thought “well I’m not most people.”
He says “fuck I love your mind” and I said “my ex tried to steal it.”

When I come home, the MacDonald’s is exactly where it was last and I like the consistency of it, my to do list sits there like i haven’t been gone for a week but it can wait for tomorrow and my corn died the day she died. The point of having a partner is that when someone dies, the other person can cook for you and deal with your root chakra.

I walk to the shops knowing the last time I did, I spoke to my grandma and I said “be brave” and she said ‘I’m not a coward.”
In kinesiology I learnt that the granddaughter becomes Iike the mother’s mother and I never really thought that.
But now when I think about it I can see the traits.
I am critical. I am organised. I am hard headed and I am tough.
But I am also giving, thoughtful and soft. All the women in my family put themselves last cause they knew the definition of sacrifice.