A mum rubs her daughters back at the Chinese restaurant and I feel bad I’m not home with my mother in this moment. Its been a year since I’ve been in this exact location at the Gold coast and I wonder if I’ve gotten older or wiser or just older.
I walk into the condom kingdom and buy a clit stimulator that I’ve wanted for 3 years. I love that the Gold coast screams sex. The woman who sells it to me is a Samantha and says “you need to enjoy pleasure first before you can let someone else in” and I thought “I know” cause I definitely haven’t let anyone in. My ex started texting other girls before we broke up so i sexted 300 guys afterwards just to win! After 3 years of validation, I’m finally ready for the real thing. And my Scorpio friend used to say “you deserve a man who buys you expensive lingerie and fucks you properly in it.” The guys in the elevator say hi and he says “why are you laughing?” and i said “cause I’m holding a pillow” and i thought its cause I bought a vibrator and I’m instantly getting attention for doing what i want. The universe feels that I’m open and happy.
The only three people that are in my room by 9pm are sick, on their period and workaholics like me. A couple keep me up going in and out all night and the aircon is blasting which means maybe I am too old for the hostel. When I play my gig, the French guy from the island comes but doesn’t buy my book so i know he’s not the one. I ask him to go to the beach anyway cause when at the Gold coast and after i notice he wont pour sand on me back when I try to act playful, I ask “when was your last relationship?” and he tells me he’s in one now and I thought “then why did you agree to go to the beach with me?” Unforgettable clearly. I hate that some guys only go out with me for clout.
Before I got to the coast, the doctor says “your iron is really low; you are anemic – did you know?” I did not. She says “are you vego or heavy periods?” And I said “periods” cause I’m Serbian so being vego would be a sin. I am stressed about my health and buy beef spleen from the health food shop before getting to the hostel. I’m giving up on Aries men and French guys cause they don’t give me what I want – stability. When it came to children, the last Aries guy said “I want to be selfish” and my ex said “children aren’t in my plan right now” cause I can handle a selfish fire sign but only if they’re giving me what I want. And I’m disappointed this guy did not let me pick the restaurant. Dating in your 30s is depressing but at least you know what you want.
When I come to the sunny coast, the French guy keeps texting me, I say “I think you should go back to your French girl! Adieu!” My neighbour says “welcome home” and I say “it’s good to be back.” Its as if I’ve never left. I have relapses of missing my life in Melbourne cause its like a boyfriend I cant shake off. It gives me almost everything I need like he did. I miss his stupid jokes and that he was determined to make me laugh cause I know I need a Chandler to my Monica and I thought that when I moved here I would meet my person and yet I am still single and childless. My mother said “if you have a baby over 30 its considered a geriatric pregnancy”. I’d like to think at 32 that I’m not geriatric.
I think about the war ending and if I’ll see my dad in June this year. I call Emirates and yell at them – “I don’t want to fly through the Dubai! They’re bombing the middle east!” The Indian woman on the phone sounds as blaze as a lukewarm cup of tea and gives me no timeline. At church my cousin said “one life lost is a tragedy, 100 000 is a statistic” cause we so easily become desensitized the more lives that are lost. Charlie xcx plays on my headphones “all the pain and torture that I went through, all makes sense to me now i was dying for you, I was dying for you, I was dying for you” and I think about how I want someone to not be afraid to die for me and not just in a selfish twin flame way. I’m meant to be going to a date night this week and I just want to bury myself into a hole. My friend said “you’re an Aries Venus, you need a man who decides on you” and I want to cry cause I think about how none of them have been sure. The last guy I hooked up with said “you need a guy who’s obsessed with you” and I thought “why would I want a guy who isn’t?” and I want someone that says “I’m not a perfectionist but YOU are perfection.” And even though I am the least patient person I know, all I can do right now in this moment of limbo is breathe and wait.
