I swiped right on a guy who looked like my ex and manifested the same person. He made me book the reservation so I booked myself as the company. When I asked him what he liked about me, he said “I’m not gonna love bomb you like the other guys” and I said “why not?” which made me assess my need for validation but at the same time, I gave him his love language but he couldnt give me mine. People have made me feel selfish my whole life for wanting words of affirmation. My friend said “cheap flattery is just cheap Maja”.. but sometimes it’s nice to be acknowledged. When he leaves, I thought of my old friend saying “you don’t sleep with guys who aren’t vulnerable.”

I tell him Prague is my favourite city and he says “that’s where the prostitutes are” which is the same comment my dad made so I know he’s a karmic. But inadvertently on the date says “I love sex workers” and I’m like “would you bring a sex worker home to your mum?” And a guy once offered to pay me to teach him to have sex and I said “I’m not a prostitute – I’m a mentor!” He asks me if I cook and I don’t like that I don’t retort with my main comment “no but your mum does.” He kept bringing up his ex until I brought up mine and went quiet and he said “you’re blushing.”

My psychic said “when women decide to commit it’s with their heart, but when men decide they need to be ready financially.” Before I left Melbourne I said “we should move in together” but I want a man who is asking ME to move in with him.

I got humbled so hard with wanting a big car that I had to catch the bus all year. She said “when you get the car, you’ll get the guy”. When I went to go to the do the inspection, the mechanic ticks that every box is perfect. And I think this is what dating should be like. No red flags. The car dealer wears a hello kitty shirt and his name is Ian so I know he’s mind kind of person. When I get in to test drive it, he said “most people don’t want to drive manual” and I said “I’m not most people” but it’s hard because when you get the car you still have a slight fear they’ll break down or leave you and When I sign the contract, I say “it’s only got a 3 month warranty” and he says “most people don’t come back .”

People are leaving the Sunshine coast cause their holidays have ended and the Christmas decorations are up in October. It smells like sand and surf. I make out with a 23 year old at a club and feel sad on the way home that he’s not my person. The uber driver says ” “why do you want to settle down? Why don’t you just have fun?” And I said “I’ve written two books, recorded 3 albums and been to 16 countries… I think I’m ready.” And he was speechless. My tits are literally developing a baby milking function that’s how much I want to be pregnant but I don’t tell him that.

I go to the doctor cause I think I have a uti. She says “do you have a partner?” And I said “no.” She says “when was your last partner?” And I get sad cause I think she means romantic not sexual and I think about how long I’ve been single for. I say: “The start of this year.” She says “that’s a long time” and I say “that’s what I thought!” When I give her my urine sample, and there’s some blood in it, The Russian nurse says “you have period?” My friend said “you need to do the internal work” and I said “I’m texting an Italian guy!” I told him “my brother calls me a little attention seeker'” and he said “your brother really knows you” and I said “probably better than anyone.”

I have 2.5k to pay for my kinesi course and when I tell my dad I have no money, he says “work harder – you live in Australia” cause immigrants don’t take opportunities for granted. When my neighbour kicked me out she said “you have a month to get your shit out” and I thought “the way you have treated me is worse than I can could treat my worst enemy” which is the same thing my dad experienced but in the war with conditions 10 times harder and worse. When I move into my new place, my friends 5 year old Scorpio kid says “you wore that the first night you moved in” and pointed to my amethyst necklace cause Scorpios don’t miss any of the details and understand when I need psychic protection.

A month later, the receptionist says “you have to refrain from intercourse for 14 days” to a woman on the phone and I sit in the purple room waiting for my gynaecology appointment that looks like an abortion clinic. I breathe in deeply wondering how I ended up in this situation and that my intimacy issues have led me to get hpv again. The doctor says “it’s not hpv – you have a legion of warts on your cervix” and I exhale not knowing whether it’s better or worse. I tell her that the male doctor never did a proper pap smear which makes me wonder why my vagina is so hard to look at! And she said “you have to check it for lesions and other things that might appear’ and I said “exactly – holistically.” And I think about every time I argued with the doctors in my early 20’s about women’s health.

I feel unfuckable cause of his shame to not look inside of me properly. When he handed me the self swab, he said “some women have trouble getting it up there” and I said “well I’ve had a dick inside of me!” And he quickly shut up. Harry Potter said “sorry professor I must not tell lies” and I live by that saying when I’m getting someone back with my mouth for their injustice. And my psychic said “unfuckable is a term you invented that exists in your head.”

As I exit the women’s clinic, I think about tattooing “all adventurous women do” on my arm, and the mystery of what’s wrong with my uterus continues. After she diagnosed me, I say “will that affect my fertility?” “No,” she says. I think about whether I should have taken the HPV vaccine at 17 when my mum didn’t let me get it, now that will cost me 400 dollars to get now.

I sit at the French restaurant thinking about the Italian guy I rejected as I eat my crepe. Maybe if I wasn’t so impulsive and judgemental I wouldn’t be eating alone. He said “you don’t have to be the healer for everyone, you can be healed too” and I lean my head on his shoulder as I know this next chapter involves me not doing everything alone.  My boss at the tarot shop says “Hpv is related to overgiving and having your boundaries disrespected” and I sigh because I have given 3 years of my life to helping others and not myself. And my mum’s housemate says “you’re clearly telling people your boundaries but they aren’t respecting them.”

I think about my friend in Melbourne saying “I just want to be married and have my baby” when she smashed a glass after being with a karmic who wouldn’t give her kids. I start crying at the restaurant and leave because I’m bumming out the vibe. I’m sad I haven’t told my dad about my health problem cause he’s the one I consult first and also a root cause of my abandonment issues. I spot like 10 different couples and wonder how many are happy. I keep meeting guys who want kids but have already had them.

I put my orange togs on and enter the water. It is cool on my skin. I know I am selfish with wanting all the attention but I also know that when I give my heart, I give ALL of me and i don’t want someone to take advantage of that. I finally call my dad and tell him I’m sitting at the beach eating a crepe and he says “are you THAT lazy you don’t know how to make a crepe?” cause he knows I don’t cook unless I have to and I always disappointed my parents in not becoming the Serbian housewife they wanted me to be.  When I tell him about the warts he says “you need to be discerning about your connections” and I thought “I haven’t been discerning – I’ve been impulsive.” Another tattoo idea I’ve been considering.

This old Bajaga song comes up on my Spotify unexpectedly “442 do beograda’ which is a driving song that translates to 442 kilometres to Belgrade. My birth place. Now 13697 kms away by plane that I cannot afford this summer/winter. The moon is almost full and I am crying alone. I see he’s online and think about calling him at 8pm, but change my mind cause I know when I get back on the road, I’ll start to feel less alone again.