Whenever I pass Brisbane city hall, I think about getting my citizenship at 7. “We are one but we are many..” I sang with my family. “And from all the lands on earth we come..” When I was a teenager we used to take pictures at area 58, an Asian photo booth that my friends and I would pay 4 dollars each to get squishy photos in. I called him when I was sad and he said “come out – put your dress on I’ll take you out” and I don’t understand how I could so easily submit to a man. Was I that easily bought? He said “I want you but I cant have you” and I pour water on him and call him a pussy. Water sign men LOVE being degraded. After he tried to kiss me and reject me, I say “just call me an Uber.”
The next day he says “are you hungover?” and I text back “are you going to apologize?” He wanted to be single and I wanted to be married so who were we kidding? He said “I didn’t mean to take advantage, it just happened” but I channelled ulterior motives. When I cut him off, I said “you were manipulative” and he said “how was I manipulative?” and I said “you kept saying you wanted to marry me, I never asked for that!” cause one wanted to marry me but was taken and the other wasn’t taken but didn’t want to get married. He said “you’ll meet your person soon” and I said “so why are you blocking me from finding him?” cause your karmic friendships will cockblock you! Before I hang up on him, I say “thank you for believing in me but now I need to believe in myself!”
When I arrive in Byron, there are 20 vans in a row and a Buddha drawing that says “the revolution is love.” I talk to a girl from Norway who is checking out as I’m checking in. 9 guys play volley ball with a middle aged woman and I sleep in a tee pee and a cockroach bites me so I’m googling how to heal a cockroach bite at 11:30pm. In the morning, I can’t wait to leave and drive to Ballina McDonald’s for an egg Mcmuffin. When I arrive to Coffs, two guys are up in my energy. One is an American Gemini who says “I think you’re a bit of a hippy that’s why you travel so much” and can see through my Sagittarius moon. The other is an Aries who says “I bet you hook up with some of your fans” and I said “no comment.”
I make a bolognese and we talk about whether we like tomatoes. The opinions are divided. The merry Christmas sign hovers over the tables with burnt out ciggies. Half an hour, I meet this guy who’s a musician. He says “I’ll criticize your music” and I say “are you a Virgo?” I can spot a Virgo from a mile away. I go for a swim on my own in the ocean and fully immerse myself in the waves. A girl in my hostel complains about the waves being choppy and I just think “you haven’t learnt to surrender.” I really needed this time to feel.
When I get to the library, kids play Tony Hawk pro skater and an Aboriginal woman called Barb with heart shaped glasses helps me at the counter. I say “nice glasses” and she says “thanks.” My first show in Coffs Harbour goes well and I have a listening audience with my poetry. One girl said “I relate to your line about French guys” and the American guy says “I opened your book up to the part where you’re ragging on American politics.”
I hang out with the Virgo guy all week and I tell him about the Italian guys that played me and he says ‘I’m desperate but I’m not as desperate as the Italians.” When I tell him about the guy at the club, he says “that’s small dick energy but I don’t blame him for wanting to kiss you.” I think I met him to show me that some men can respect my boundaries.
We talk about our Harry potter houses and he says I’m not a Gryffindor cause they’re not bisexual and I ask him to untangle my necklace, but he didn’t do it all the way because he wanted me to learn for myself which is such earth energy. We bicker like an old married couple and he says “what about equality?” and I said “I don’t believe in equality – I think women are better and men should worship them.”
On my last gig that overlooks a mountain and a river, the woman who wouldn’t book me at the Sunshine Coast walks in which satisfies me as I always have the best revenge stories. She is shocked to see me there and I just think “thanks universe.” The Virgo and I go for a walk after the gig and sit on a hill that is windy and Lord of the rings-like. He leans and kisses me and it feels magical because it is spontaneous and for once, I’m not the one that says “do you wanna kiss me?” like I always did in Melbourne. He said “why didn’t you tell me you liked me earlier?” and I said “because I wanted you to be in your masculine energy.” I told myself I wouldn’t drink after the club, but I have one cocktail because I feel like I deserved it for paying off my debt.
That night, he says “come see me” and I say “you come see ME!” and that night he comes over and I say “this whole trip is about you learning to get your confidence up and be a leader.” I like his Leo Venus because when we sit in the car discussing club guy, he says “that would never happen to me because when I decide on someone, I decide on them” which makes me believe there are men who won’t cheat on me. The last 3 guys I went out with all had Leo in their top 3.
He eats me out in the hostel and I think about the image of someone walking in and after I finish he says “I feel like you didn’t fully let go” and I say “if no one was around I would be screaming way louder and we’d need a towel.” I can never relax when I’m being watched which is the opposite of what I’m like on stage. I get up and show off my butt and he says “I love a skirt” and I said “easy access?” I take the skirt off and go into the shower and he follows me. I rub my crappy 2 dollar Aldi body lotion on him and we make out as I give him a hand job and I’m happy his dick is girthy and better than the last one I saw. I say “I love that we are wasting water” because I know it would piss off all my Melbourne environmental friends. A guy I talk to on the internet says, “you are a squirter and you haven’t had sex for 3 years – I would want to fuck you too” and I said “it’s the challenge.”
The week after I say “the drive you had for eating me out you need to apply to your next job.” He calls himself a short king and I say “don’t say that.” He said “if you can be the gift, I can be a king.” And I said “no the short thing.” I didn’t see him as short until he made it a problem. It’s interesting how we project our own insecurities without realizing it. When I drive home, I think about how it won’t work cause we aren’t at the same life stage and I need him to be 7 years older. He said “you’re just my type” and I said “what’s that?” And he says “weird and freaky.”
When I get to the Gold coast, Asian girls wear tight shirts, the price bracket goes up and skyscrapers surround me. Two old men talk about Trump getting in and I think about how I still don’t have my make women cum again cap. A guy walks around with a metal detector as I’m eating my fried rice and a Greek guy asks me to move out of my seat for him and his daughter. I easily agree because I don’t want to be on Gold Coast boulevard anymore and they seem thankful. When I get to my hostel, I’m the only one in my room crying because I miss the connections I formed in Coffs Harbour. I try to think about being home soon but I know it’ll involve long periods of being alone and focusing on the next project.
I call him on my way home and he says “I think you need someone who challenges you.” And I say “I can’t be with a smoker and someone stingy – it’s triggering all my daddy issues.” I said “you didn’t ask how you’re like my dad” and he said “I don’t want to know!” He says “just the smoking?” and I think how nice it is that young guys are adaptable compared to the fixed guys who will not budge.
When I talk about children, he says “you’ll scare guys off by talking about children too quickly” and I’m like “you literally asked me to indirectly move in with you.” His Capricorn mars can handle the heavy conversations, he’s just not at the age where he has to have them. When I was 23, I’d still say “I want to get married and have children” but at 31 it’s a non-negotiable. He said “I wouldn’t be attracted to you if you were pregnant” which is the meanest thing you could say to a Cancer dominant woman but I know he spoke out of his immaturity. Miranda said “men are like cabs – they drive around and when they’re ready they turn their light on and the next woman they pick up, that’s the one they’ll marry. It’s not fate, it’s dumb luck.”
I come home to my favourite beach – Alexandra headland, it is always consistent and beautiful. It gives a lot. When I speak to the 6 year old I live with, she says “you’ll have a baby soon” and I said “how many years?” and she said “50” and I smile.
