I buy kinder chocolate cause I’m about to bleed and I want to relive my childhood. My dad always liked anything German and every time we flew back to Serbia it was via Lufthansa. They used to give us a colouring book to colour in to keep us occupied for the flight and the food was never as good as Singapore. I was always afraid of the airport security when we landed into Munich as they were cold and sharp. Frankfurt and Munich were the first two stops before Sarajevo. When we moved to Australia, we had a German to English to Serbian dictionary that was trilingual! When I was 12 I won a German speaking poetry competition against one other girl and it really boosted my confidence in languages. “Meine Suppe ist zu heiß” I recited.
People who have grown up in one place will never know what its like to grow up in two, when they say “I guess you’re not very Serbian when you grew up here” and when I’m in Serbia they say the opposite. I’m getting ready to book my flight for next year and I wish I was in Europe this year but post covid I couldn’t afford to fly every year when the tickets doubled in price. No one really knows your life and although I’ve given a lot of people insight, they will never fully know me.
When my dads uncle died, one of my first memories was of an ashtray on a glass table and a bottle of coke. So why is it a surprise that I’ve woken up next to a vaper drinking a coffee? He offers me his vape and I say no but I would have preferred to have rejected the coffee. I said “what do you like about nicotine so much?” And he said “I don’t I’m just addicted to it.”
The night before for Halloween I dressed as little red riding hood and of course I attracted two big bad wolves. He said “what’s in the basket?” and I said “a spare pair of shoes,” trick or treat. I said “are you gonna read my poem?” and he said “if you watch this movie.” They say you marry your father so does that mean I’m meant to end up with a negotiator? He wouldn’t come to me so am I just repeating the pattern of not being chosen?
When my ex had to give me my book back, he made me wait and I said “it’s ok you can keep it” and that was the last time I saw him. I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of seeing me again. So when the replica of my ex stands in front of me, I thought “you will never get the satisfaction of touching me again, especially after I made myself cum 4 times.” He continues to snore all night and when I point it out, he says “my ex didn’t tell me I snored’ and I said “she lied.”
The random Egyptian guy I’m texting says “I’d come to Australia if you invite me” which restores my faith in men when the other guy couldn’t even drive 13 minutes to see me cause guys who drive Tesla’s just treat you like a tax write off! And I don’t need a lazy man, just one that can fix my curtain problem.
The second big bad wolf makes me wait an hour and a half to feed me and I’m like “I could have died in that time!” He kisses me in the bar after I told him “maybe later not in a public place.” He says “oh you had the biggest smile when you pulled away” – pulled away being the key word. I text him “when a girl tells you no actually listen instead of doing whatever you want, you’re not an animal!” cause one was overly sexual but wouldn’t feed me and the other guy fed me but wouldn’t eat me.
I am the only person at the beach at 7:30pm because we are a sleepy city. “Tramps us like baby we were born to run,” I scream out after seeing the Bruce Springsteen movie. I’ve spent a lot of time alone in places, but it feels more real when I’m alone with the ocean. My favourite part of the movie is when he looks at her like she’s unforgettable. There were only two men that looked at me like that, like the entire world would disappear and we would be the only two people on earth. 5 years ago my psychic said “if he loves you he’ll stay” and my friend said “sex should be the icing on the cake not the main event.”
In exactly 2 weeks, I will be back on an island singing to the people. I can see all the tourists at the Sunshine Coast who will be leaving soon but I’m glad I get to stay. The girls at after school care pull at my crystal necklace and I had a dream I saw my daughter and she had brown hair and blue eyes. I want to name her Lena which means light in Greek because we need more lightworkers in the world.
I said “I’m feeling needy” and he says “what do you need?” Now that I think back “honesty” would have been the perfect answer. He said “you wear your heart on your sleeve” and although he just used that for his own selfish needs, we should never stop risking being vulnerable because maybe the right person will see us and share their heart back.
I’m excited ill be celebrating my birthday in my birthplace next year. It is chaotic but it is home. I dance on the pier alone taking up space and I think about how Jason Momoa is the only man id accept with long hair. Big leo energy. When I was 10 I used to dance to Shakira and now I have become “shakira shakira.” Unapologetically myself and ready for the next chapter.
