August 2022 – the day I moved in, I slept on the couch.
This is the biggest place I’ve lived in on my own and the walls whisper my name in them. I will miss my built in bookshelf. I’m sad I have to sell my bed but I know it’s happening for a higher purpose. Why am I clinging to material things? When I was in my 20s I spent all my money on travel and my music but now my mindset is changing cause I don’t want to be in a position where someone can kick me out in a months notice when they’re the ones doing the wrong thing.
I threw out my vibrator cause it hasn’t been vibrating since 2023, but it’s the perfect size. 7 inches. Maybe I could manifest a real one instead of living in my dreams for this long. Ive only had 2 men enter this apartment and both were douchebags. One struggled to buy me a tiramisu cup. The other was French and horny. “It was fun while it lasted and so it goes,” Sylvia Plath wrote in her diaries. I didn’t let any men enter my heart in this apartment or my loins.
My neighbour accused me of not opening up to her but after giving SO many of my care seeds in Melbourne, I was hyperly vigilant to who I did let in. She shouldn’t have been one of those people cause after she saw my inspirational wall she said “you have a lot of thoughts” in a derogatory way. You shouldn’t let low vibe people judge your goals cause the people who didn’t see your worth never wanted you to win in the first place.
When I let my friends and clients come in, my favourite response is “this is so you” because they feel my energy. They feel Maja as soon as they enter the room. My Sagittarius moon reflects in the bright colour schemes of reds, oranges and yellow, blues on the walls and portraits, and my cancer mercury in the grandmother homey feeling that says “take a seat and I will hear you.” I wish I could escape the therapist part of me but I can’t.
I won’t miss the hum of the fridge as my engineering friends try to figure out what’s wrong with it. I later find out it’s a fan. Just because I’m moving my stuff doesn’t mean I’m losing myself. When I was 10, my grandma would ask me what I wanted to eat and I said “pomfrit.” And within half an hour, she had peeled potatoes, cut them up and made me fried chips. She never said no to anything I wanted. Maybe it’s cause she knew she wouldn’t have that long with me again. She lived in a high rise in Bosnia outside a market that used to be both orthodox and Muslim but now only woke me up by Muslim prayers. That’s what segregation is. When she died, I negotiated with my dad to pay for half of my flight to be there. I’ve been negotiating with men since I was 18, but it doesn’t mean I want to anymore.
All I want is for someone to love and see me for who I really am and not try to mould me into something else, but isn’t that what everyone wants? Last year a guy offered to pay for my kinesi course if I went out with him and I thought “no you’re an alcoholic” cause no amount of money will be able to buy integrity. The only thing I want someone to be addicted to is me. As i take the words off my wall, I cry about everything I achieved here. “THE TRUTH IS SPEAKING THROUGH YOU” stares back at me. Ain’t that the truth. “I am worthy of loyalty.”
At my 2022 Halloween party, my Leo friend made everyone wash the dishes before they left so that my life would be easier. I do love throwing parties but the year after, all of those friends seemed to disappear to different places. My teacher asked me how my granddad and I were the same and I said “when we ball, we ball hard.” He invited 50 people to my 10th birthday party so it hurt when she said “you don’t party.” No I just don’t party with you. She’s butt hurt that I won’t party with her. I don’t throw parties often but when I do they’re unfuckingforgettable!
When I asked her to turn the music off at midnight she said “we are not going to change so you can leave” which were the last words my ex boyfriend said to me. August 2024 – the night I move out, I sleep on the couch. The day I leave one message on my wall “the old me dead and gone.”
I sage the place but I don’t feel like I can really grieve it. I sit in the bath of my new place. The temperature is about 37 degrees and the geranium is emanating from the water. When I drain the plug, I sit in the tub naked crying thinking about the low vibe people who have hurt me but how im painfully stepping into the next part of my life.
