It’s foggy driving back from the forest in the sunshine coast. I love the feeling of open roads because cities are too claustrophobic to pull over in.
When I used to drive to Bendigo, I used to call him and we’d still feel connected. I want my vows to read “even when we are apart, we are together.”
When I was younger I didn’t understand why my dad picked Brisbane over Sydney and Melbourne when we moved to Australia but now I do. It’s conservative, it’s a good place to raise a family and its earthy and now at 30 I can understand his thinking cause its the mindset I’m in.
There is no place like a hospital to make you feel safe to feel sick. The people who got admitted are still waiting and the receptionist gives me attitude for asking where to hand her my sample. 10pm I arrive at Sunshine Coast university hospital. My urethra is burning and my body is telling me “stop ignoring me!”
I’ve been overworking and not listening to my ovaries which is the sacred feminine space. The last time I had root chakra pain this bad I was 22 and it’s a place I never wanted to be in again.
1am, Dear God why did I hook up with a French guy with a tiny penis over the summer? The last time I had sex, he punished me by forcing me to submit to him so I shut down completely to the penis for 2 years. The one time I’m ready to have sex, the universe punishes me. I guess if it’s not a fuck yes, it’s a no.
I can’t forgive and forget the guys who made me a second choice especially when they don’t apologise. He tried to make me feel unforgettable but he failed cause he wanted to share with me, he just didn’t want to share his life with me cause conservative guys know that a man doesn’t become a man until he becomes a father and that “not good enough” feeling has come down my family line with the men and I don’t want my children to feel like their father didn’t want the responsibility of having them.
At 4am, I speak to a mother and her daughter about her lung infection. I’m Iearning so much about illness but I’m falling asleep. I’m contemplating whether to leave but I’ve stayed this long. I’ve googled what my symptoms are at least 50 times but I still have no real answers.
5am – I’ve been pacing around the hospital. I don’t want to call my parents cause I don’t want to burden them in the middle of the night although I feel sad I’m dealing with this on my own. I don’t feel like I can trust my emergency contacts cause they’re both Geminis.
6am- the parking must have really been expired by now. It’s been 8 hours since I’ve stepped into this hospital. I’m surprised at my patience to not blow up at anyone although there’s a guy in the corner with a rib cage issue who’s been screaming.
The hospital doctor assumes its BV but doesn’t give me any drugs cause I have had a swab so I’m still stuck with no outcome. I drive home when everyone is leaving to go to work. I forget to set my timer to 8:30am and sleep in til 11:30am. My doctors appointment is at midday. I put on a dress, jump in the car and drive to the doctor and tell him how I spent all night at the hospital. He implies my doctor at the hospital was an idiot for not giving me any drugs and gives me clyndamycin.
A week later I find out I have a staph infection in my vagina. He says “it’s an unusual place to develop a staph infection” and I thought “well I’m one of a kind.”